Next month is Valentines Day and “love is in the air”, so I think answering the question “why it is so hard to love yourself” it is a great idea for a new post. This year I want to write more about motivation, self-care, self-love, and self-development, so this is the question that came on my mind and I think is the perfect time for it.
To be honest with you, this was something very hard for me to overcome in my life, but I finally feel ready to share with you some stories and try to answer you this common question.
First of all, before I start with this post I want you to know that I believe that every one of us is special and we are all different in so many ways. There is no one fit for everyone and not every reason is true for every one of us. So please bear in mind that these may not be true for you.
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Every parent has a different parenting style but some things are common for most of them. Right and wrong are constantly changing and two generations before us, parenting wasn’t the same as today. The world is developing so as parenting. Nowadays, most parents are eager to learn how to be better. This is the era of personal development and awareness so I am very glad I live now.
But although many things are different than before, some things are the same. If you are a good kid, mama loves you. If you do something that mama don’t approve, you are a bad kid and mama and papa won’t love you anymore.
Kids are afraid of losing the love of their parents and while this is totally normal for parents to do in order to teach their baby and kid how to live, there is a possibility that kid to think that it is not loved and good enough if do or love something that is not “allowed” by his parents, friends, society, etc.
Right and wrong
Good and bad change. Right and wrong change. What is right in this present moment doesn’t necessarily mean it would be right in the future. The most important people in history were different. They were innovators and didn’t care about others.
They believed in themselves and didn’t need approval in order to be accepted and loved by others. Well, they knew some secret I guess. 🙂
Everyone is against selfishness and egoism and I am afraid to show myself some love in order to look modest. Is this familiar with you? How thin is the line between selfishness and self-love? Very often people mistake these things. Self – love is somehow “bad”.
Is it better to love yourself more and to think that you are better than you really are, or to be a great person and to think that you are not.”
But in my society people that are self-confident are seen as bad. I feel sorry when I meet someone great with low self – confidence.
Modesty is in fashion! I am not against modesty. I think that it is very important to be satisfied with what you have. But I also think that it is great to want more. When we want more, we are eager to learn and to grow. There is no development without a desire.
I think that many people think that they are not modest and selfish if they want more, so they develop a bad image for themselves. It is time to break those believes that self-love is bad.
Self Love Conception
This is a book I read in my first year in University that totally changed my perception of love, The Art Of Loving by Erick Fromm. Erich Fromm was a social psychologist and humanistic philosopher. In this book, he explained love in details and how we develop the skill to love.
In this book, he presents 4 basic love elements: care, responsibility, respect and knowledge. According to Fromm, loving oneself is not the same as selfish, egotistical or arrogant. Loving oneself is actually caring for ourselves, taking responsibility about ourselves, respecting ourselves and knowing ourselves.
I recommend you to read this book in order to learn more about love, unconditional love, and self-love.
In this world we are living, there are so many expectations and I think that this is one very big problem for the whole society. People always compare with others. Body, clothes, job, kids, income, house, cars, social status, followers, likes, views, votes…
We overdosed with all those expectations that we forget that the most important things are happiness and peace. Those same expectations are one of the reasons why we don’t love ourselves.
We “have” to have certain needs in order to be and feel lovable. So for example, I wasn’t feeling lovable in the past because I was overweight. Classmates were often bulling me. They called me Piggy in high school. I simply couldn’t love my body because someone else was telling me it is not beautiful.
There were other overweight girls too that felt great in their body and I couldn’t understand them. Now I do. 🙂
I know many students that had very low self – confidence because their grades were low.
Hello! Einstein was a bad student and he was a genius!
Nobody is perfect, but everyone deserves to be loved. You deserve to love yourself! And don’t expect to be loved if you first don’t love yourself!
In my post How To Forgive Yourself, I explained in details the steps you need to take in order to forgive yourself and live the life you deserve. Yes. You deserve to be happy and live in peace. There is a thin line between forgiving yourself and loving yourself. In order to love yourself, you need to forgive yourself. Can you love someone and be mad at him at the same time?
Probably yes, but is that really love? Think about it!
If the first step toward change is awareness, then the second is acceptance. And did you accept if you didn’t forgive yourself? No! Acceptance is forgiveness.
Your past is not important. The only thing that is important is what kind of a person your past made you.
You are not what you did in your past. Remember that you did what you thought was best at that time. But sometimes it is very hard to accept everything and forgive. I know that I’ve been there. If you are stuck then I recommend you to check How To Forgive Yourself.
Do you love yourself unconditionally? I didn’t know the meaning of unconditional love until I met my baby boy. But I wish I did many years ago. My baby taught me how to love myself unconditionally and to accept myself, my soul, my feelings, my thoughts, and my body.
In order to do this, you first must accept yourself. You can learn more about unconditional love in the book I recommended by Erick Fromm – The art of loving. Don’t forget that self – development is something that requires energy, knowledge, strength, and time.
Why don’t we love ourselves unconditionally? I think that the roots are in our childhood. We set high standards, goals, and expectation, but forget to remind ourselves that we are good enough without them. Parents with low self – confidence can’t teach their children to love themselves. They are not a good role model. Stop the circle now!
Almost everybody experience at least one bad event that could make them feel bad about themselves. I can never forget my history teacher in elementary school. She was a monster! I had fever and couldn’t sleep three days from crying and so much stress. She was yelling at me in front of the class for no particular reason and I was so stressed that I started shaking.
I tried to defend myself but I couldn’t. She was very loud. From that day on, I never ever wanted to speak in front of other people, I was so scared to give my opinion and to raise my hand and participate in school.
Who are your friends?
Are you surrounded by positive friends that have faith in you and respect you? When I was surrounded with friends with low self – confidence that doesn’t love themselves I didn’t love myself either. Why? They didn’t respect me, they didn’t have faith in me and they didn’t want me to be better and successful.
When people around you are negative, you become negative too. We are not meant to be lonely and alone in this world. The problem is when you don’t love yourself you don’t have the courage to search for people that love you and respect you. People that have the same values as you.
How to love yourself?
So these are some of the most common reasons people lose self – confidence and self – love. Of course, there are always more reasons and I did mention in the beginning that we are all different and special. We all have special goals, needs, and paths.
You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself first. And there is no happiness and life without love. Remember, loving yourself is not the same as selfish, arrogant, egotistical, etc.
Many people don’t understand that they are wonderful, they are precious, they deserve wealth and happiness. That is why it is very important to learn and work on self – development and growth.
It is easier for you to acknowledge and list your faults and bad aspects than the good ones. You are wonderful! Deep inside, you know how to love yourself, but here is a reminder for you. Remember that this is not something that will happen overnight. Self – development is a process and I encourage you to enjoy this journey.
There will be many obstacles but don’t be afraid. Always remind yourself that you are most important and there is no one that you should love more than you! You are not selfish and if people around you call you selfish – they don’t love themselves either and they are the one that are selfish (because they expect something from you). Every wise man will tell you that self – love is very important. Every fool will tell you that self – love is bad.
You can change yourself and be happy! Just remember that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
When you are aware of things and accept how they are – you will have the power to change them! When you take the responsibility in your hand you can change everything.
We can’t change our lives if we don’t accept them the way they are in this present moment.
Why is important to forgive yourself in order to go on with your life? Read more here about forgiveness and living the life you deserve. You are not what you did in your past. Remember that you did what you thought was best at that time.
Use self – love affirmations
I love you______(put your name here). I did the best I can and I am the best version of myself in this present moment.
Everything happens for a reason. I accept myself as I am, I accept myself and love myself, I don’t need other people to tell me that they love me.
I love myself and that is enough. Yes! I love myself as I am.
I am not my mistakes and I choose to be happy! Today I am love, I share love and I love myself!
Surround yourself with positive and loving people
You deserve to be loved and surrounded by positive people that have faith in you and respect you!
Celebrate every success
Everything is a success. Celebrate every little success and reward yourself. Smile!
Visit a therapist
You only live once so live the best life you can. If you did everything and you are still not feeling well, please consult with a therapist. I am sure you will feel much better and a therapist will help you to create a life you deserve and want.
For more questions feel free to contact me.